I was watching this documentory on the documentory channel, about young girls being bullied, and being bullies. The sad thing is, it was like watching my childhood. The only thing was, I was the bully. I never knew back then how much of an affect that has on someone. I never knew that it could drive someone to commit suicide. Thinking back on it now, that kind-of scare's me.

I was a sweet kid, well, sometime's. But I had a problem with a certain "friend". She was my power source of bullying. She was probably the biggest trouble-maker I've ever met. Inside I didn't want to be mean to this one girl, who of which, I'm still friends with today. MJ loved making fun of people, talking about them behind their backs. She just liked hurting people. She was nice to your face, and was stabbing you in the back when you were around. Inside, I didn't want to be like that. But I guess you could call it peer-pressure. Because I thought, that if I didn't do what she did, she wouldn't want to be friend's with me. And people have to see that friends mean the world to me. I love having friend's, and back then I didn't know anything else, but friends.

We thought we couldn't have more than one best-friend at a time. We were jealous. If MJ was talking with this person, I'd turn green. If I was talking and hanging out with JC. She would be green. Inside I wanted to be haning-out with JC more, than MJ. Why didn't I just say it? I didn't know how. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Which is kind-of funny, since I burned, and hurt JC. But I guess I'll never understand that.

I was in a fight inside, with myself. Knowing that I shouldn't be friend's with MJ, but how could I say that? I guess I felt like she needed me, which may have been true. But what did she need me for? To cause more trouble? To hurt, so she can feel better about herself? Looking back now, probably all the above. She needed me to be her enabler. To make herself feel better. I think I also mainly felt sorry for her. Which also explain's a little bit, of why I dated Michael. But that's a complete different post.

I can't remember ever saying anything mean about JC, but I never stood-up for her when MJ would. And that, to me, is just as bad as saying something bad about her. I should have, because I knew without a shadow of a doubt, she would have stood-up for me. I might have agreed, but inside I didn't believe it. We'll call it humoring, MJ. But what MJ never knew was, I'm not really sure if I ever actually liked her. Sure, I could tolerate her, but did I really like her? I still can't answer that question.

Thinking back now, none of it had anything to do with JC. None of it. Not a a tiny piece. It was MJ. JC was like an emotional punching bag for me. I didn't know how to tell the person I was mad at. The person I highly disliked, for dissing a friend of mine. So, I took it out on her. You may ask, "How could you, if you couldn't tell the other person?" Simple. JC wasn't the person I was mad at. Which made it a piece of cake to take it out on her.

I remember one time she told me, "Yeah, well Brandi, you don't know what it's like to sit in the corner on the stair's by youself. While your off with Martha laughing, and probably talking bad about me." My head said, "I don't care." But deeper inside, I did care.

Mine and & MJ's relationship has always been toxic. It wasn't just with JC. It was with VB, R, SW, and other's. We'd talk about VB behind her back, because she was annoying to us. That didn't give us the right. We'd make fun of R because he was different. And I still regret making fun of SW. Because she stunk, or she was overweight. Where in the hedoublehockeysticks, did we think that we were above her enough, to say thing's like that? We didn't have that right. No one does.

But karma is a smart lady. She really is. When MB came along, and we started dating. Jealousy came out in me. But I guess it was partly his fault. Let's face it, MB treated me like crap. Thing's that no one will ever know that he did to me, that still hurt to this day. But he didn't give a d*mn what he did, and who he did it in front of. He flirted with all the girls, but in-front of me. Then he couldn't understand why I'd get mad. Don't ya think your bein' a little rude, here buddy? Again, JC got the hard end of the stick.

She told me over, and over she didn't like him like that. I knew inside, she wasn't lying. But I was afraid to tell MB, that I was p*ssed at him. So, what did I do? Something I did before. Take it out on someone else -- JC. This was worst than the time's with MJ. We stopped being friend's a while. Which were the most horrible weeks, and month's of my life. I felt like someone had drop-kicked me in the stomach. And all over a guy, all because I didn't have the taco's to stand-up for myself. I hurt her bad in that time. Thing's I did, that I'll always regret.

But there's one thing that amaze's me, to this day. She forgave me. I can sit and start talking about something that happened, and she'll look at me confused, and say "That happened? I don't remember that happening." She mean's it, she isn't lying. I wish I could forget it. But I won't. I'll live with that regret, of hurting someone who actually loved me. And was willing to take me back, even though she knew she could get hurt again.

I realize now, that it's not no one person's fault. It wasn't just my fault. It wasn't just MJ's fault. It wasn't just MB's fault. It was all of our faults. Sadly enough, JC got caught in the crosshair's. I never should have took-it out on her. It had nothing to do with her, but the past is over and done. And the only thing I can do is move on.

But what's still sad is this. I'm still friend's with MJ. After all the hell she's put me through, we're still friend's. But it's a friendship on it's last leg, and I can already see what's going to happen. Whenever I get a job, and won't be here whenever she decide's to call. We'll slowly drift apart. To be honest, I can't wait for that day.